The Fear Of Loss

Yesterday my grandma asked me a set of questions about my mom and aunt’s weekend trip to the province over twenty times during the course of the day. I answered them every time as if it was the first time she asked.

She started asking them again today at breakfast and I answered them again as we drank coffee and ate the turon I made. Normal conversation.

As I washed the dishes last night
I saw among them a cracked disposable container. I break it in two before throwing it into the bin. If not, she’ll wash it and keep in her room. “I’ll keep it, you’ll never know when you’ll need it in the future. If you won’t use it, I will,” she always says. Then she forgets about it after safekeeping.

Every time I notice her dementia getting worse I feel my heart beat in dread. I don’t want a time to come when she won’t remember who I am.

My grandmother was a powerhouse of a woman. She almost single-handedly brought up her children, her husband either working or gambling at the mahjong parlors. She managed poverty and family with an iron hand, severely strict, dishing out corporal punishment to disobeying children. After she raised successful children and her eldest daughter’s marriage ended, she did it all over again with her traumatized grandchildren. Serving a steady structure of homely discipline, work (we manned her sari-sari store) and great food.

Now, her eldest granddaughter (me) just turned thirty. She still yearns to be able to take care of us, but everyone is at an age where we are all supposed to take care of ourselves and everything else, and we do. My heart breaks every time I see her feel without use and unable to help. She tries to remind us of things she thinks we’ve forgotten, like dishes left on the table, and we sometimes answer an irritated “we know!” when we’re very tired because of course we haven’t forgotten. Then after a little while she reminds us of the same thing again.

But she is still very important, irreplacable help. I still need her there; to bolster me whenever she hugs me and I see her beam in pride and complete confidence in me. To be told of my stories several times because she forgets. For me to be told of her stories several times so that I don’t forget. I tell her of her importance, but she thinks I am patronizing her.

If only I could keep her always and happy as she is now: in the garden, sewing our torn clothes, the dogs at her feet. Me going over to sit beside her to hear the comforting stories I have heard a hundred times.

Granddaughter’s Folly

The look on my Lola's face about what I was trying to do says it all.

The look on my Lola’s face about what I was trying to do says it all. She said, “Pati bunga ng kamias kukunan mo?”

<note>

The Digicam Challenge is to take interesting photos using a digital camera and post at least twice a week. The photo should be reasonably sharp (making allowances for camera limitations). The photography bug bit me when I was using an old Canon digicam, and I have come full circle. Now armed with a Sony Cyber-shot digital camera, I am off to try and capture the glory and the gritty of life. As my Uncle Jun once said, “The camera is just a tool; it is the photographer that takes the picture.”

</note>

Summer Derpin’

"Betcher tongue can't touch yer nose."

“Betcher tongue can’t touch yer nose.”

<note>

The Digicam Challenge is to take interesting photos using a digital camera and post at least twice a week. The photo should be reasonably sharp (making allowances for camera limitations). The photography bug bit me when I was using an old Canon digicam, and I have come full circle. Now armed with a Sony Cyber-shot digital camera, I am off to try and capture the glory and the gritty of life. As my Uncle Jun once said, “The camera is just a tool; it is the photographer that takes the picture.”

</note>

Flowers & Sunshine in The Yellow Room

flowers&sunshine

<note>

The Digicam Challenge is to take interesting photos using a digital camera and post at least twice a week. The photo should be reasonably sharp (making allowances for camera limitations). The photography bug bit me when I was using an old Canon digicam, and I have come full circle. Now armed with a Sony Cyber-shot digital camera, I am off to try and capture the glory and the gritty of life. As my Uncle Jun once said, “The camera is just a tool; it is the photographer that takes the picture.”

</note>

Why I Don’t Watch Local News (And a Mini App Review)

Yes, call me a snob, but most of the time I’d rather watch CNN and Comedy Central’s The Daily Show than its local counterparts. Although it’s not like I don’t keep up with local news. I follow 3 different local news outlets and reporters and get updated through Twitter. But for sometime now I can’t stand local newscasts. I always get irritated.

And it’s weird because I finished an AB Mass Communication course in college, even majoring in Broadcasting. I should be a fan.

Perhaps since I’m in touch with the Filipino culture I can better detect pandering, omissions and what controls their choices of what makes it in the news. Broadcasting objectively is hard, and I’m sure that all news agencies have some degree of subjectivity. But I hate that with local news I can see and hear the network war in the background.

What’s peculiar about Filipinos is they have fostered “broadcast network loyalty” where they only watch that channel and even pass the preference on from one generation to the next. Hence there is a clingy desparation in networks to always keep viewers happy and in mutual agreement. This lends to sensationalism and crassitude. They even try to ingratiate themselves more by attaching public service to their organization. They do charity, etc. and say, “we’re not doing this for money; we’re doing it for each and every one of you. Because we care.”

But don’t kid yourselves kids, it’s all for the ad revenue.

Take the recent Bandila debacle where they reported a mysterious communicable and flesh eating disease spreading in Pangasinan complete with scary visuals of gross skin covered in scabbing. Turns out that it was just an old woman who has leprosy. But it’s too late, everyone pannicked, it went viral in social media, and even after the truth was reported and DOH made a statement it still spread like wildfire and debilitated Pangasinan’s tourism industry. They said sorry, but nothing spreads faster and sticks harder like bad news. For crap’s sake they didn’t even respect the old woman by checking and confirming and like medieval witch hunters pointed at her and shouted, “Gross! Harbinger! She’ll be the death of us all!”

But of course they only “meant well” and simply want to “inform” people out of concern.

Or maybe people were getting bored of hearing about Janet Napoles everyday. (Shit, that’s what she wants.) They needed viewership people!

I guess there are also almost always some news stories that piss me off. Like the guy who crossed the highway at night even though the overpass was RIGHT THERE and got run over, his relatives crying for “justice” and the driver of the car getting jailed for something that’s not his fault. Or another bloody fucking story about Vhong Navarro.

No thanks, I’d rather hear about the situations in Ukraine and Syria.

Notes:
Sorry about the cynicism! If you are hopeful about local news broadcasts, keep hoping. Hope is in too short a supply.

I wrote this on my newly installed WordPress app for iOS. In fairness, it has improved a lot since I last got fed up and uninstalled it. The interface is blogger friendly and you have more options. You can even choose the type of post you’d like to create. It’s fairly light download and smooth usage. However you can’t access your already uploaded media library and would have to have your photo in your phone to add it to your post. Also I had to find the publish option to post this draft for a minute.

[★★★★★] But 5 stars, because it’s free. I mean, what kind of a douche would I be if I nitpick at something I like that I got for free?

Even Superheroes Need Public Transport

captain_america

<note>

The Digicam Challenge is to take interesting photos using a digital camera and post at least twice a week. The photo should be reasonably sharp (making allowances for camera limitations). The photography bug bit me when I was using an old Canon digicam, and I have come full circle. Now armed with a Sony Cyber-shot digital camera, I am off to try and capture the glory and the gritty of life. As my Uncle Jun once said, “The camera is just a tool; it is the photographer that takes the picture.”

</note>

Perseverance

DSC00342e<note>

The Digicam Challenge: I have decided to start taking photos again, even if I am bereaved of my Nikon D90 (RIP. *sniff*). The photography bug bit me when I was using an old Canon digicam, and I have come full circle. Now armed with a Sony Cyber-shot digital camera, I am off to try and capture the glory and the gritty of life.

My challenge is to post at least twice a week. It has to be interesting and the photo should be reasonably sharp (making allowances for camera limitations). As my Uncle Jun once said, “The camera is just a tool; it is the photographer that takes the picture.”

</note>